I’m 29 weeks along with Addie’s pregnancy. She’s giving me tons of reassurance with constant wiggles and lots of growth. At my growth ultrasound earlier this week, she measured 3lbs 6oz. That’s 1oz bigger than Ginny was when she was born at 35 weeks! We’ve got a lot of hope, but we are also still very much aware of how quickly everything can change. Ideally that awareness makes us appreciate and treasure this special time and doesn’t make us try to protect our hearts in any way. Sometimes trying to protect your heart is the automatic response: don’t think too hard on what you have to lose, don’t get your hopes up. I don’t think that really works when it comes to love; your heart will break no matter how hard you try to protect it. So I try to embrace all I can! Lean in to the love!
I haven’t been the best at that lately. We’ve had a really busy summer which has been fun but distracting. Addie’s “nursery” so far still looks like our guest room but just with a closet full of baby girl clothes and a disassembled crib leaning against the wall. At this point in Chet’s pregnancy, his room was completely ready in his blue and gray beach theme. We have a vision for the nursery – boho rainbows and sunshine with lots of warm creams, golds, and varying shades of salmon pink. Rainbows are a sweet symbol for babies born after loss so it feels special. We have the plan, but are we ready to execute it? Every time I think of putting together the crib and hanging decor, I get excited but also slightly hesitant. I haven’t taken the time to process my emotions about this. I didn’t think this would be a hangup this time around, since we aren’t literally taking down Ginny’s decor to replace it with a new baby’s nursery. Am I afraid of having to take down another nursery that has never been used? Probably, but like I said, I want to lean in. I want to parent Addie as much as I possibly can while I can, even if that means we have to face an unused nursery later. And I obviously want to be ready for her likely arrival home. Yes, the nursery is the next priority.
We are all set when it comes to clothes. We’ve been blessed by wonderful friends who have given us so many cute outfits their girls have outgrown. This is more helpful than these friends even know, because I still have a hard time bringing myself to browse the baby girl sections at stores. We didn’t have to do that with Chet, and now I realize this is another area where I need to take the time to process what I’m feeling. I have lots of memories of picking out adorable clothes for Ginny with my mom and mother-in-law. I found so many sweet floral onesies on sale at Target and Old Navy. I remember washing them with such care in loads of their own, then laying them out on a big clean blanket on the bed so I could carefully hang each one. I kept them as clean and pristine as possible for our precious girl. Little did I know then that they would stay pristine. A week after Ginny’s stillbirth, I angrily pulled those same onesies off the hangers and threw them into piles to give to friends or donate. I remember my mom, sister, and mother in law quietly asking if they could keep a few they purchased as keepsakes. I agreed and kept one or two myself. But mostly it just hurt to think of these clothes waiting in boxes for a sister who may or may not ever appear. We got rid of almost everything. So I was grateful to receive clothes that have already been worn and loved; there are even a few that I recognize that we had for Ginny. As seems fitting for a 3rd child, I was not nearly as gentle with Addie’s clothes. I washed them with our other clothes and sorted them on the floor while Chet rummaged through them. It does feel good to see a closet full of pink and white outfits with matching bloomers and bows. Ginny will actually get that little sister whom I didn’t dare hope for. Thank you, Lord.
Daniel, Chet, and I are all really happy to be having a girl. Every time we asked Chet if he wanted a baby brother or sister, he would respond, “Baby SEEEEESTER!” No one could or would ever replace Ginny, but Daniel and I both had already pictured ourselves raising a daughter. I saw myself as a girl mom and a boy mom, but the world could only see me as a boy mom. Having another girl will change that. I am so looking forward to craft, shop, and chat with Addie as she grows up (Not that Chet won’t do those things; but considering how much he already loves cars, I think he’ll have other interests haha). So when I got the phone call from the nurse with the results from the genetic testing, I immediately started crying tears of joy when she said “female”. I couldn’t wait to relay the news to Daniel. I considered showing up to his office with a balloon saying “It’s a GIRL”. But ultimately I couldn’t wait that long and knew he couldn’t either. I called him up, and he had the same reaction I did! Having another girl feels like God is handing us such a kind and generous gift.
As I gaze at Addie’s ultrasound pictures, I find myself daydreaming about holding her, feeding her, and watching Chet and Daniel love on her. My heart is so full already. Now we need to spend the next 10ish weeks preparing the nursery, preparing Chet, and remembering Ginny as we embrace all we can of this pregnancy in hopes of bringing little sister home.
Be-Still-and-Know 