Early Grief

Deathday before birthday. The loss of an unborn child is extremely confusing. All our plans and dreams for the future are thrown out the window and replaced with seemingly endless contradictions. It is hard to find your emotional footing. When I feel such intense grief and breakdown, I tell my husband or my mom that I’m feeling sad. But that’s not true – I’m not sad. I’m feeling more than I can describe. I’m feeling more than I can comprehend.  My mind tricks me. My body tricks me. My emotions trick me. I feel like I’m living in a topsy … Continue reading Stillbirth Paradox

Grief surprised me in so many ways. Of course I was surprised by the death of our baby girl Ginny at 34+ weeks, and grief hit me like a tsunami. At first it felt like shock and numbness. Then it quickly turned to an extremely sharp pain. Although I know it was an emotional pain, in the moment it was indistinguishable from physical pain. It hurt in the same way.  In the days after our loss, the grief morphed into what C.S. Lewis describes in his book A Grief Observed. He said grief feels like fear, a panic anticipation type … Continue reading Richness of Grief

Right after we found out our baby girl Ginny had died in the womb at 34+ weeks, time seemed to be so hugely empty. It felt loud how empty time was. What are we supposed to be doing? What do we normally do? Time seemed to slow down to a creep and nothing was filling it. I guess it was due to how much pain we were in. There was nothing to relieve it. Time was standing still, like we would be in that spot forever. I read the dreaded stillborn chapter in my “What to Expect Book”. That took … Continue reading Empty Time