“Will Jesus let me fall?”
Why is it always at the most random and unexpected times that 4 year olds ask profound questions? Out of the blue in a dramatic shift in conversation, Chet called out from his 5-point harness carseat, “Will Jesus let me fall?” In a split second, I had to fight back the urge to respond in…
Regret
There are two areas that are still really hard for me to talk about with regards to Ginny’s death and my grief. This shows I still have work to do to process my feelings. Both areas are related to regret. In grief, some of the darkest spirals come in the forms of “what if’s” and…
Remembering Ginny’s 1st Birthday – Ash Wednesday
Ginny’s first heavenly birthday fell on Ash Wednesday in 2020. Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the season of Lent, was not something I had grown up observing. I usually remembered it was Ash Wednesday when I noticed a few people at work with ashes on their forehead. Daniel and I took the day off for…
Firstborn From the Dead
My heart breaks when I think that Ginny may have been struggling in my womb as she didn’t get enough nutrients or oxygen to survive. Was she in pain? Was she hungry – did she feel the lack? I was as physically near to her as I could possibly be, yet I was not there…
Season of Joy
Standing on the beach in San Diego right after finding out that the baby in my belly was a boy, God promised me joy. I felt so strongly in the moment that God was telling me that my season of sorrow would not last forever and that he does have joy in store for me.…
Man of Sorrows
“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for…
Pandemic
After losing someone, things that used to be unthinkable are believable now. Something happens in your brain when you realize the unimaginable can happen to you. You aren’t immune to difficulty. Suddenly the crazy things seem realistic and possible, like this pandemic. There are some other things that I’ve realized through loss that are coming…
Balancing Trust and Trust
“Just trust God.” Pregnancy after loss…well actually anything after loss can be very scary. Knowing that bad things do happen and they do happen to you is a realization that can cause so much fear. Often the advice is to trust God. But I do trust God more than I ever have! But now my…
One Year Ago: The Day of No Heartbeat
Why Have You Forsaken Me? To the choirmaster: according to The Doe of the Dawn. A Psalm of David. 22 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no…
Joy
One of my main hopes for 2020 is for more joy. The kingdom of God is about peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). The pain of 2019 has lead to an expanded understanding and appreciation. That all yields joy, but on a daily basis, I need reminded. Each day I wake up…
Gratitude
Knowing the outcome, I would do it all over again. If given the choice to be spared from all the pain and grief and sorrow and not have been pregnant with Ginny, I would choose to have Ginny every time. I wouldn’t take it back for anything. From that aspect, I am grateful. I’m thankful…
The Evolution of Hope in Hardship
I’m going to describe my experiences. Everyone’s experience is different. I’m still on my journey. Some days are more hopeful than others. Along with all of my blog posts, these are my thoughts at the moment. Hardship hit when we lost Ginny earlier this year; we were completely heartbroken. How do we get back to…
When the Answer is No
“Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” – Matthew 18:19-20 “Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do,…
I Place My Hope
A couple weeks after Ginny died, I was sitting in a coffee shop listening to the song “I Place My Hope” by Ellie Holcomb. When I heard the lyrics, they took on two meanings. Hope meant what we typically think of hope, but to me hope also meant Virginia Hope. The song says, “I will…
Be Still
Sometimes it feels like God plucked me out of my old life and placed (or more like threw) me into my new life. It’s like God looked at my life and said, “I have bigger things for her” and then moved me like a chess piece. I typically don’t think of God as the “big…
Body Image / Vessel
Body Image When I was pregnant I used to joke that one of the best parts of pregnancy is not worrying about sucking in my belly in pictures. I could let it all hang out. I could blame all “pooch” on baby bump. No more “burrito” baby or “pizza” baby; I had a BABY baby!…
Fear and Freedom
I am a living witness. I have witnessed death – inside my own body. Besides a near death experience, I can’t imagine getting closer to death and surviving. Death caused me to cry out in despair from the deepest parts of myself. Because of this, I am not afraid. It wasn’t until I experienced the…
Beauty of Suffering
How could a good God allow such suffering in the world? I think at some point we all ask that question. We don’t really have answers, but I feel closer to the answer now than ever before. My perspective on this has changed significantly now that I have endured some level of suffering. Similar to…
Control
“I am not the creator and sustainer of life.” These words on the page of my Loved Baby Devotional stopped me. I repeat them to myself. I am not the creator and sustainer of life. I don’t know if they make me feel better or worse. This wasn’t my fault, but how I wish I…
Parenting After Loss: 5 Years
Five years of parenting after loss, 2 rainbow babies, 3 states, 4 homes – we miss Ginny more than ever! We bring our love for her with us on every new adventure our family undertakes. Our love only grows. Our realization of the true gravity of the loss expands when we see Chet and Addie…
Happy 6th Birthday, Ginny!
Dear Ginny, Happy Happy Happy Birthday, My Girl! Six years ago you made me a mom. I remember holding you and kissing you on this day 6 years ago. I wish so badly that I could’ve seen you grow into a spunky and silly and smart kindergartener. I miss you with my whole heart. We…
6 Years Ago – The Day of No Heartbeat
Lord, you are the creator and sustainer of life. How could you? Lord, how could you let me sleep soundly while she was struggling? Lord, how could you let me eat a nourishing breakfast while she was malnourished? Lord, how could you let me slowly ready for the day while she couldn’t get the oxygen…
Remembering the Days Right Before
Ginny’s 6th birthday is in a couple days. I’m missing her so much. As all moms do around their kids’ birthdays, I’m thinking back to days leading up to her birth. Although, for me those memories feel tender. I’ve racked my brain over them again and again and again through the years looking for warning…
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Be-Still-and-Know 