Aimee Jones Parenting After Loss

Parenting After Loss: 5 Years

Five years of parenting after loss, 2 rainbow babies, 3 states, 4 homes – we miss Ginny more than ever! We bring our love for her with us on every new adventure our family undertakes. Our love only grows. Our realization of the true gravity of the loss expands when we see Chet and Addie take on each new stage of childhood. We see what she’s missing, what they are missing, what we are missing from her not being here. She’s part of our family, so 5 years of parenting other children won’t make us forget. Five years of parenting other children won’t make us ok with death. 

For anyone who feels like they should be done grieving their miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, please know that it is ok to never stop grieving your child. They should’ve been with you the rest of your life, but they are gone. That is worthy of your mourning, no matter how many years and how many other children you have. Just because you grieve doesn’t mean you don’t have hope. Just because you grieve doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. It is right to be brokenhearted over death – even if you know it is temporary. 

These years later, I will say the grief has changed. The pain isn’t as sharp. The sorrow is not all encompassing. I think of Ginny throughout the day with love, but her death does not consume the majority of my thoughts as it once did. The waves of grief come less often and less intense. Noticing that happening made me sad at first, but now I am ok with it. I realize it doesn’t make me love her any less. I’ve grown strong enough to bear the reality of her absence most of the time. 

Now that we are done having children, I feel like my grief has evolved even more. Anticipating and experiencing pregnancy after loss kept my heart in a state of vulnerability that I am now free from. I will admit, it feels good that that phase is complete. I still have fear of losing my kids or other loved ones. I have to fight intrusive thoughts daily, but it is not as severe as it was with a baby in my womb. 

I worry this distances me from the beloved baby loss community I’ve been a part of since Ginny died. Can I relate to women going through loss in a meaningful way? Are my memories too distant to be of any support or encouragement? Am I more likely to say something hurtful now that I’m not going through it alongside her? I pray that God can still use me through my loss. I want to follow His will for my life whether that be in the baby loss community or elsewhere. I do know that the lessons of my suffering and hope impacts literally everything I do. It has changed who I am so whatever I do, it will be because of Ginny and the work God did in me through her life and death. I do hope my life parenting two children after loss can give others’ hope for the future after their losses. 

Aimee Jones Milestones & Anniversaries

Remembering the Days Right Before

Ginny’s 6th birthday is in a couple days. I’m missing her so much. As all moms do around their kids’ birthdays, I’m thinking back to days leading up to her birth. Although, for me those memories feel tender. I’ve racked my brain over them again and again and again through the years looking for warning signs that should’ve alerted me of her upcoming death. But today I want to look back with the a new filter. I’m not going to focus on the “should’ves”; I’m going to try to remember the ways we were preparing for Ginny and loving each other. 

10 Days – Feb 16 – Ten days before Addie’s birth, we completed her veggie-garden-themed nursery. My mom visited and helped me put the finishing touches. Behind her white crib was a row of sunflowers and a birdhouse sign with her name. A mobile hung above the crib with spinning felted vegetables. Below the crib was a bright green rug that looked like grass. There was handmade veggie artwork and a carrot garland hanging on the wall. Above her yellow changing pad were three little hooks with the letters V, H, and J for Virginia Hope Jones. I hung little ornaments in the shapes of corn, lettuce, and carrots. Above her bookshelf was a sign that read “Good Things Grow Here”. Flowers, decorative gardening tools, “You Grow Girl” pots, and framed pictures of cousins were all around. Friends contributed sweet homemade art, quilts, and blankets. Her closet was fully stocked with the cutest baby girl clothes, organized by size. I couldn’t wait to bring her home to her room. 

9 Days – Feb 17 – The next day, Daniel and I grabbed a pillow and yoga mat and headed to our first childbirth class. We spent the whole day learning about pain management techniques and what to expect from the different phases of labor. 

8 Days – Feb 18 – We put together Ginny’s stroller. I got the carseat ready and practiced buckling it with a stuffed bunny. We just needed to install it in the car. 

7 Days – Feb 19 – I started packing my hospital bag. I made three lists: one for me, one for Daniel, and one for Ginny. 

6 Days – Feb 20 – I went to Buy Buy Baby by myself to look for a diaper bag. I didn’t find one I wanted, so I later ordered one online. It would arrive after Ginny’s death. I wrote about the saga to return it in the post From Ginny To Chet. Spoiler: The return was unsuccessful, and both Chet and Addie ended up using that diaper bag. Later that night Daniel and I assembled the gliding rocker that his parents bought for Addie’s nursery. 

5 Days – Feb 21 – I had my 34 week prenatal appointment. My belly was measuring small so the midwife wheeled in an in-office ultrasound machine. She could tell that Ginny was head down and there was plenty of fluid, but she scheduled an official growth scan for Monday, Feb 25 to get a closer look. That night we had our church small group over. We asked them to pray that Ginny would grow well and that we’d have peace waiting for the ultrasound appointment. Our sweet friends gave us baby gifts. One couple who recently had a baby generously gave us all the things they found most useful. Another couple gave us an adorable onesie that says “little sprout” with an illustration of a green little sprout coming up. They also gave us a beautiful handmade crocheted blanket in shades of green. Both the onesie and the blanket are in Ginny’s keepsake box. 

4 Days – Feb 22 – I ate a deliberately large breakfast in hopes it’ll somehow help Addie grow. I remember watching the movie Roman Holiday while counting and rolling all the change we had accumulated from the past few years. Daniel and I had plans to go on a “change date” like we used to in college when we didn’t have much money. 

3 Days – Feb 23 – Daniel and I went on our “change date”. We went to the bank to cash in the coins and then got lunch, went to the art museum, and had a nice dinner. I remember it was a rainy but really fun day together. 

2 Days – Feb 24 – We went to part 2 of the childbirth class. I remember there was a new instructor because the original one couldn’t be there for some reason. This new instructor introduced herself. She was a regular doula and also a bereavement doula for couples who lose their babies. I had never heard of anything like that before, and I remember thinking that was so sad. We learned a lot about induction and epidurals and things I would need to know sooner than expected. 

1 Day – Feb 25 – The growth ultrasound was scheduled for 1pm. I had nothing planned for the morning, so I slept in and got ready slowly. I remember straightening my hair which I rarely ever did. I remember the sweater I wore. I remember talking to my mom on the way to the hospital. I took a picture of where I parked in the parking garage so I wouldn’t forget. I met Daniel in the lobby. We waited in the waiting room, and then our lives changed forever. You can read about all what happened next in Our Story and Labor and Delivery Story. 

As you can see from how we spent those last days before Ginny’s birth, we were very busy preparing for her. I was doing all I could to make sure she had everything she needed once she arrived; meanwhile, I had no idea that she didn’t have everything she needed to get to that point. She died sometime between Feb 21 and Feb 25, but I’m pretty sure I felt her move the morning of Feb 25. I think we were just barely too late to save her. There are a million things we could’ve done differently on those days. But if the outcome was going to be the same, I’m glad we spent that time parenting her by preparing and spending sweet time together.