Pregnant Again!

Ginny is a big sister! That’s right. We are pregnant again! I am 14 weeks along with a baby due in July. We are very happy and hopeful but also scared and feeling every emotion.

The doctors told us I needed to wait at least 6 months after Ginny’s stillbirth to be physically ready. Sometimes that 6 months felt long. I had the instinct and desire to care for a baby right away. My empty arms ached to hold my child ASAP. But I knew we weren’t emotionally or mentally ready for another baby. The 6 month mark came and went. We still weren’t ready. 

As a couple more months passed, I realized we should either get pregnant before the end of the year or wait until after Ginny’s birthday in February. I had so much anxiety during the first trimester last pregnancy. I knew it would be too hard to be in the first trimester during her birthday. I wanted to be into the 2nd trimester before February came. Toward the end of October, we decided the time was coming to start trying again. I prayed…

Oct 18, 2019

Dear Jesus, 

Please be with us on this journey to try to conceive. I know you are. 

Please let everything happen in your timing. 

You know our hearts. You know we want to bring a healthy baby home and watch him or her grow into adulthood, knowing you. 

But you are the creator and sustainer of life. Your will be done. 

We know your purpose and understanding are greater than ours. We trust in you. Whether you give or take away, blessed be your name. 

Help us to serve you in joy and pain. 

Help us not to fear or be anxious. Help us to celebrate and rejoice in all and any life. Let our previous loss and despair not steal joy from our hearts of our future children. 

Help us to always remember and honor Ginny. Please let her know we love her so much. Guide us as we teach our future children about her and about eternity. Thank you for hope. 

Give us wisdom in decisions. Guide our paths and help us remember you are in control and not take on more than what is ours. 

Help us enjoy the journey and have love and hope in our hearts and minds. Thank you for your grace which is sufficient.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” – 1 John 4:18

Amen.

On November 17 I took a positive pregnancy test. Daniel was with me. We looked in disbelief at the two lines and then the digital “yes” of the second test. We are very blessed and grateful to be able to get pregnant right away. We couldn’t believe it! Although we should’ve predicted it because that’s what happened with Ginny too. We were excited and happy, but we also needed time for it to sink in. We told our families and asked them to pray. They were all so happy. 

The next morning I opened my Bible App and read the verse-of-the-day as I do everyday. On Nov 18 the scripture was, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18. God reminded me of my prayer exactly one month earlier. 

Before I was pregnant, I thought I would want to announce right away. I thought I would just want to celebrate every moment of this new life with as many people as possible. But when I actually became pregnant, something was holding me back. It wasn’t a fear of loss, although I had that fear. I knew I would share my journey no matter what. I think what was holding me back was the “Congratulations.” It is the appearance that everything is okay now, that we are all better and moved on. This new life is wonderful and miraculous and joyful, but it doesn’t take away the pain and loss of Ginny. It’s so complex.

And then there are the triggers. My heart breaks a little when I think of buying baby items or decorating a nursery. Those are still triggers. That’s why I was resistant to telling people.

When someone asks, “How are you feeling today?” in a cheery voice, I think… How am I feeling today? Do you want me to describe my pregnancy symptoms? The symptoms that I scrutinize to assess the health of a person the size of an apple seed? This apple-seed-sized person who I am entirely responsible for and yet have entirely no control over? How am I feeling today? I feel like I miss Ginny and I love Ginny. I feel like I am scared for this baby and I love this baby. So…  “I feel fine.”

I don’t know where to look.  If I look at baby stuff and make plans for the future, I am surrounded by what we don’t have with Ginny. That breaks me. If I look to the baby loss community that has comforted me so much in the last 11 months, I am reminded of the very real possibility of another loss. I’m in this in-between place, and it all depends on my mood. I may need to change topics quickly if I feel a shift. 

So far I’ve had three different kinds of days: 1) I feel hopeful and am so happy to be pregnant, 2) I feel pretty certain we will lose this baby. On these days every time I go to the bathroom I half-expect to see blood, and 3) I almost forget we are pregnant. It doesn’t even seem real yet. Is this really happening? 

I know people want me to be positive. I want to be positive, but I’m not going to pretend. It’s not a “fake it ’til you make it” situation. It’s not an “overcome it” situation either. It’s a “trust” situation – it is a “trust either way” situation. I’m going to do my best every day. Some days I will feel like celebrating. Some days I will feel like crying. It’s complicated. Thanks for being patient with me. 

The baby is no longer the size of an apple seed. According to the internet, he or she is the size of a peach. 🙂 It is finally starting to sink in that I’m pregnant again. I’m finally starting to entertain the possibility of bringing this baby home. I’m very grateful. I do want to celebrate together, through my rawness. 

I am excited to share this journey with you! I have so much to tell you about my first trimester, my prenatal care, ultrasounds, finding out the sex, naming the baby, and all the feelings along the way. We have a long way to go. Thank you for your prayers and support!