Wilting

Ginny’s 2nd birthday was a sweet time at the beach. I felt good that we honored and celebrated her life. We reflected on how much of an impact she’s had on us. I left feeling blessed. 

Then the next day it hit me. That tsunami of grief I thought I had avoided. Those heavy and dark feelings of fresh grief came back. It felt like a punch in the gut; my heart was being wrung. Two years later and the disbelief returned – How did this happen?! Why did this happen?!!

It hit me during Chet’s nap time. I was working on my computer at the kitchen table next to a bouquet of flowers my family sent the previous week to remember Ginny. I looked up and noticed some of them had started wilting. My heart sank – this means her birthday is over. Then my mind was brought back to the week after Ginny died when all the bouquets loved ones sent started wilting. The sight and smell of turning flowers triggered such a wave of memories and grief. I remembered that when the flowers died, it felt like Ginny was dying all over again. How could time be moving forward? How could we be moving away from holding her instead of moving toward holding her? My heart was breaking yet again. It felt like she was dying all over again two years later. I just miss her. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I want her here. How can we keep moving forward? I just want to hug her. 

Tears started streaming and didn’t stop for a long time. It was actually dawning on me that it has been two years. She should be two. She should be here, but she’s still gone. It still hurts…really bad. 

The pain in my heart somehow makes her feel closer. Maybe two years isn’t as long as it sounds. I try to remind myself that I’m not just getting further from when I held her on Earth, I’m also getting closer to when I’ll hold her in heaven. Each day I’m getting closer to her. It still hurts.