Pregnant with Baby Jones #3

By the grace of God, we have a new member of our family! Baby GIRL Jones is due in September 2023! Her name is Addie Mae Jones, and Chet is so excited to have baby “seeester” Addie. We are unbelievably grateful to have 3 amazing kids to love! We are hopeful to bring Addie home in September, but we are still very much aware that we are not in control. I am not the creator or sustainer of life, so we wait “patiently” for whatever this journey has in store for us. 

I am 15 weeks along, and so far everything has gone smoothly. But I would 100% be lying if I said that it has been easy. It has been incredibly challenging. I underestimated how difficult it would be to be in the 1st trimester during the heavy months of January and February as we waited for Ginny’s death day and birthday. The grief and cold made my body and mind tired; add pregnancy fatigue and I could barely make it through the day. There were days I felt all I could do is sleep. It took all I had to show up to parent Chet every morning. There was a dense fog of nausea and exhaustion all around me. Daniel is wonderful and let me sleep in and took on more of the parenting load. He helps in all the practical ways while being so emotionally supportive. He loves me, Ginny, Chet, and Addie all so well. 

Even though it does help a little to know I am capable of having a living baby and I had surgery to remove my uterine septum, the fear of another loss is ever present. I cannot adequately explain what it feels like to be pregnant after loss. My heart and body feel so vulnerable at all times. My routine is to check for blood at every bathroom break and analyze every twinge or ache of my growing belly. All the prayers I can muster are, “Please let Addie live, but she is yours, not mine. Your will be done.” I am so anxious as I wait for each appointment. Will there be a heartbeat? Will I get bad news? The moment between the doppler wand touching my belly and hearing a heartbeat feels like eternity. All I can do is open my heart and trust God to get me through that moment. Will my heart be shattered again? Thankfully I’ve heard her heartbeat every time. All that I can do the next moment is praise in relief. She’s alive now. That’s the reassurance I needed… for the day. Then I wait a few more weeks for the next appointment to get reassurance for another day. 

This pregnancy has already felt long, but I still have a long way to go. I’m through the 1st trimester, and as spring has arrived, the fog has lifted. The fatigue, nausea, and grief aren’t weighing me down nearly as much as they were in the first months. I have more energy to be the mama I want to be for Chet. I’m so thankful for that. Everyday he talks to my belly and introduces Addie to all his toys. He rocks his baby doll and practices helping. What a wonderful big brother! 

Just as everyone was during Chet’s pregnancy, please be patient with me as I have all the dozens of complex emotions that go along with pregnancy after loss. I wish I could just feel happy and excited. I know that’s all anyone wants for me, but I’m called to a more complicated motherhood journey. I know I am not alone in that. I so appreciate my fellow loss mamas who are also pregnant. It’s an honor to walk this path together and give each other validation and hope! 

Thank you for all your congratulations and prayers! Thank you for celebrating Addie Mae with us! 

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7