Parenting After Loss: 5 Years
Five years of parenting after loss, 2 rainbow babies, 3 states, 4 homes – we miss Ginny more than ever! We bring our love for her with us on every new adventure our family undertakes. Our love only grows. Our realization of the true gravity of the loss expands when we see Chet and Addie…
“Will Jesus let me fall?”
Why is it always at the most random and unexpected times that 4 year olds ask profound questions? Out of the blue in a dramatic shift in conversation, Chet called out from his 5-point harness carseat, “Will Jesus let me fall?” In a split second, I had to fight back the urge to respond in…
Parenting After Loss – Having a Girl
When I was pregnant with Ginny, I would imagine what it would be like to raise a little girl. I dreamed of the baby stages, toddlerhood, a little girl growing to a teenager, and even spending time with her as an adult. When Ginny died, my imagination didn’t stop, only now I was thinking of…
Self-Doubt / My Preeclampsia Story
One simple question- one kind and thoughtful question- was enough to gather a mountain of self doubt in me. “How are you feeling?” Pregnant women get asked this everyday. And the further along you are, the more the question comes up. In the last days of my pregnancy with Addie, I was asked in every…
Addie’s Birth Story
Welcome Addie Mae Jones! She was born on September 21, 2023. We are so in love! She is the sweetest little girl. She looks so much like her big brother but has her own precious spirit. She is a good gift from God. Our family feels complete now, and we are overcome with gratitude and…
Preparing for Another Girl
I’m 29 weeks along with Addie’s pregnancy. She’s giving me tons of reassurance with constant wiggles and lots of growth. At my growth ultrasound earlier this week, she measured 3lbs 6oz. That’s 1oz bigger than Ginny was when she was born at 35 weeks! We’ve got a lot of hope, but we are also still…
Addie’s Anatomy Ultrasound
I know too much. Even though the 20 week anatomy ultrasound went really well in Ginny’s pregnancy, I was scared for what we might learn this time around. There is so much that can go wrong. In fact, when things go right, it feels like a miracle. I know so many people whose anatomy scans…
Pregnant with Baby Jones #3
By the grace of God, we have a new member of our family! Baby GIRL Jones is due in September 2023! Her name is Addie Mae Jones, and Chet is so excited to have baby “seeester” Addie. We are unbelievably grateful to have 3 amazing kids to love! We are hopeful to bring Addie home…
Invisible Daughter
This morning Chet and I were standing among a small group of moms and toddlers whom I hadn’t met before. We were in a park at a playdate that was kindly coordinated by a mom leader in our community to give us something fun to do on a Monday morning. The topic of birthing came…
Parenting After Loss – The 2nd Year
In the baby loss community, you’ll often hear the phrase “My heart is fuller than my arms.” This is certainly true for me. Don’t get me wrong – one toddler keeps me very busy, but I’m definitely not as busy as I would be if Ginny were also here. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t take…
Release
Sometimes the grief builds up and needs to be released. It feels heavy on my shoulders and on my heart. A good cry or journalling session usually does the trick to lighten the burden. If I go a while without being able to release the pent up grief, it just builds and builds. If it…
Parenting After Loss: The 1st Year
Over a year has already passed since we brought Chet home from the hospital. I still look at him in disbelief. I am in awe he is here! He keeps getting cuter and cuter, and I just can’t believe my eyes when I see him. One year is a big milestone for a lot of…
An Explanation
When the doctor said the words, “I’m so sorry. I have to give you the worst news.” everything went still. I could not believe what I was hearing; I was in shock. Yet somehow I still mustered the question, “Is there any way to know what happened?” He replied with a response that we would…
Parenting After Loss – First 6 Months
With nothing to compare it to, I’m not sure what about my parenting is different because of our loss. I can make guesses…most of my guesses have to do with either fear or gratitude. I don’t think I would have as much of either if Ginny hadn’t died. Life’s moments are more precious when you…
(Un)Fulfilled
A rainbow baby does not replace a baby who died. I knew this when Chet was born. That’s why part of me was surprised at how much joy he brought us. My heart felt so full; I didn’t expect so much fulfillment from having a living baby when Ginny is still gone. I started feeling…
Surreal
Delivering Chet in the same hospital that I delivered Ginny was pretty surreal. A year and a half later we were back at the same place doing the same thing but thankfully under different circumstances. There were a few moments that brought back such vivid memories of Ginny’s birth. That made this experience surreal at…
Season of Joy
Standing on the beach in San Diego right after finding out that the baby in my belly was a boy, God promised me joy. I felt so strongly in the moment that God was telling me that my season of sorrow would not last forever and that he does have joy in store for me.…
Chet’s Birth Story
It’s been a little over a year since I shared my last birth story. At that time, I didn’t know when or if I’d be sharing another one. Ginny’s birth was an epic and healing experience. I immediately looked forward to the opportunity to deliver another baby – ideally living. Not a single time in…
Contractions
I was pregnant with Ginny in July 2018. I’ve officially been pregnant for two years. Well technically I had an 8 month break between Ginny and Chet, but I felt pregnant in my heart during that whole time. I was still anticipating holding my living baby in my arms. I still am. For weeks it…
Dawn in the Valley
The shadow in the valley turns dark as night. In the long wait for dawn,will there ever be light? Will redemption come when new babies cry?Or does the heaviness staybecause others still die? The broken world claimsanother poor little one. Is there beauty for ashesprovided by the Son? Help me to wait for the sky to break light anew. Through your…
Almost But Not Yet
This past Sunday/Father’s Day Chet was 34 weeks and 5 days along, the exact gestation Ginny was when she passed away. Chet moved a lot for me that day which gave me such peace of mind. God did comfort me on that day as he promised (RE: Waiting). Tuesday I was 35 weeks and officially…
Father’s Day
Daniel constantly impresses me and blesses me. He is an incredible father. He loves so well. His love for me, Ginny, and Chet reminds me that we are loved by God; so often it feels like God loves us through Daniel. I’m thrilled Chet will be raised by him, by someone with such a good…
Monitoring
Since we don’t know exactly what caused Ginny’s death, often this pregnancy feels like I’m in the middle of a monster movie sequel. It feels like a movie that never actually shows the monster, so I am free to let my imagination go wild. Will the monster show it’s face during this pregnancy? Will it…
Realistic Prayers During Pregnancy After Loss
I’ve read pregnancy devotionals full of prayers of hope, expectancy, and joy for women. These are wonderful for most pregnant women, but for loss moms those prayers can sometimes be really hard. As much as I’d like to meditate on prayers of training my children in the way they should go or the plans God…
From: Ginny, To: Chet
When taking down Ginny’s nursery, our family asked us if we wanted to keep things for our future children. What if we have a girl? We have so many cute girl things. I agreed to keep the crib, stroller, pack-n-play, and other large items. We bought those with our whole future family in mind. But…
Growing
Last Thursday we had the highly anticipated 28 week ultrasound. It was the first 3rd trimester growth scan. This is how we will catch and prevent what happened to Ginny from happening to Chet. I had been nervous all week; the worst moment of my life was at an ultrasound in the 3rd trimester. I…
Movement
As with everything related to grief or pregnancy after loss, my emotions aren’t simple. The same goes for feeling Chet move and kick in my belly. Every time I feel him move, a swirl of emotion hits my heart. The most prominent of these emotions is relief. Every kick reminds me that he is alive.…
Tough Days
Today is a tough day. For the most part during this pandemic I’ve had a pretty good attitude. I’ve known we could handle whatever comes our way. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes there is a reason days are hard and sometimes there isn’t. I’ve tried to let myself feel all my emotions without…
Naming Our Son
We found out the sex as soon as we could with a blood test. We already had a name picked out, and we named him as soon as we found out he was a boy. No time to waste. This living person inside me needed a name as soon as possible. We called our families…
Halfway There
I’m 20 weeks pregnant. My mind goes straight to the thought that I have reached the cutoff between a miscarriage and a stillbirth. If I lose this baby, it will be considered a stillbirth. That feels like an accomplishment! That’s certainly not something I thought about in my first pregnancy. At this point I had…
Balancing Trust and Trust
“Just trust God.” Pregnancy after loss…well actually anything after loss can be very scary. Knowing that bad things do happen and they do happen to you is a realization that can cause so much fear. Often the advice is to trust God. But I do trust God more than I ever have! But now my…
It’s a…
Finding out the sex of the baby is by far my favorite moment of this pregnancy so far! We decided to do the cell-free genetic screening this time around. This blood test checks for a few different genetic disorders and also identifies the sex chromosomes. We met with genetic counselors. They explained that all of…
The First Ultrasounds
One thing I was most nervous about getting pregnant again was going back to the ultrasound clinic at the hospital. The waiting room was the last place in our former “before” life. The dark room was where our world came crashing down. The thought of going back there frightened me, but I knew it would…
High Risk
Just a few hours before we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel and I were talking with a wise friend after church. We were talking about losing Ginny and how it can be difficult to hear of others giving birth to living babies. She said that as a community of friends, we agree to…
Pregnant Again!
Ginny is a big sister! That’s right. We are pregnant again! I am 14 weeks along with a baby due in July. We are very happy and hopeful but also scared and feeling every emotion. The doctors told us I needed to wait at least 6 months after Ginny’s stillbirth to be physically ready. Sometimes…
Happy 7th Birthday, Ginny!
Dear Ginny Girl, It’s been 7 years since I felt you wiggle in my belly and since I held you still in my arms. How I wish I could hold you again today on your birthday! Daddy, Chet, Addie, and I love and miss you so so much! You are a part of this family.…
7 Years Ago: The Day of No Heartbeat
It’s been 7 years since the day of… no heartbeat a nervous sonographer unanswered questions faith-filled prayers “the worst news” no miracles shock disbelief unwanted phone calls silent tears weeping scheduling the induction dread time standing still pastoral visits waiting for help who can’t help no turning back
He Holds On Still
When I was in high school I worked at a dry cleaners. I was one of the few kids with a class schedule loaded with AP courses while also working more than 20 hours a week. It wasn’t as hard as it sounds though, because I worked at a slow pick-up/drop-off location by myself. I…
Happy 6th Birthday, Ginny!
Dear Ginny, Happy Happy Happy Birthday, My Girl! Six years ago you made me a mom. I remember holding you and kissing you on this day 6 years ago. I wish so badly that I could’ve seen you grow into a spunky and silly and smart kindergartener. I miss you with my whole heart. We…
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Be-Still-and-Know 