Parenting After Loss: The 1st Year
Over a year has already passed since we brought Chet home from the hospital. I still look at him in disbelief. I am in awe he is here! He keeps getting cuter and cuter, and I just can’t believe my eyes when I see him. One year is a big milestone for a lot of…
An Explanation
When the doctor said the words, “I’m so sorry. I have to give you the worst news.” everything went still. I could not believe what I was hearing; I was in shock. Yet somehow I still mustered the question, “Is there any way to know what happened?” He replied with a response that we would…
Parenting After Loss – First 6 Months
With nothing to compare it to, I’m not sure what about my parenting is different because of our loss. I can make guesses…most of my guesses have to do with either fear or gratitude. I don’t think I would have as much of either if Ginny hadn’t died. Life’s moments are more precious when you…
(Un)Fulfilled
A rainbow baby does not replace a baby who died. I knew this when Chet was born. That’s why part of me was surprised at how much joy he brought us. My heart felt so full; I didn’t expect so much fulfillment from having a living baby when Ginny is still gone. I started feeling…
Surreal
Delivering Chet in the same hospital that I delivered Ginny was pretty surreal. A year and a half later we were back at the same place doing the same thing but thankfully under different circumstances. There were a few moments that brought back such vivid memories of Ginny’s birth. That made this experience surreal at…
Season of Joy
Standing on the beach in San Diego right after finding out that the baby in my belly was a boy, God promised me joy. I felt so strongly in the moment that God was telling me that my season of sorrow would not last forever and that he does have joy in store for me.…
Chet’s Birth Story
It’s been a little over a year since I shared my last birth story. At that time, I didn’t know when or if I’d be sharing another one. Ginny’s birth was an epic and healing experience. I immediately looked forward to the opportunity to deliver another baby – ideally living. Not a single time in…
Contractions
I was pregnant with Ginny in July 2018. I’ve officially been pregnant for two years. Well technically I had an 8 month break between Ginny and Chet, but I felt pregnant in my heart during that whole time. I was still anticipating holding my living baby in my arms. I still am. For weeks it…
Dawn in the Valley
The shadow in the valley turns dark as night. In the long wait for dawn,will there ever be light? Will redemption come when new babies cry?Or does the heaviness staybecause others still die? The broken world claimsanother poor little one. Is there beauty for ashesprovided by the Son? Help me to wait for the sky to break light anew. Through your…
Almost But Not Yet
This past Sunday/Father’s Day Chet was 34 weeks and 5 days along, the exact gestation Ginny was when she passed away. Chet moved a lot for me that day which gave me such peace of mind. God did comfort me on that day as he promised (RE: Waiting). Tuesday I was 35 weeks and officially…
Father’s Day
Daniel constantly impresses me and blesses me. He is an incredible father. He loves so well. His love for me, Ginny, and Chet reminds me that we are loved by God; so often it feels like God loves us through Daniel. I’m thrilled Chet will be raised by him, by someone with such a good…
Monitoring
Since we don’t know exactly what caused Ginny’s death, often this pregnancy feels like I’m in the middle of a monster movie sequel. It feels like a movie that never actually shows the monster, so I am free to let my imagination go wild. Will the monster show it’s face during this pregnancy? Will it…
Realistic Prayers During Pregnancy After Loss
I’ve read pregnancy devotionals full of prayers of hope, expectancy, and joy for women. These are wonderful for most pregnant women, but for loss moms those prayers can sometimes be really hard. As much as I’d like to meditate on prayers of training my children in the way they should go or the plans God…
From: Ginny, To: Chet
When taking down Ginny’s nursery, our family asked us if we wanted to keep things for our future children. What if we have a girl? We have so many cute girl things. I agreed to keep the crib, stroller, pack-n-play, and other large items. We bought those with our whole future family in mind. But…
Growing
Last Thursday we had the highly anticipated 28 week ultrasound. It was the first 3rd trimester growth scan. This is how we will catch and prevent what happened to Ginny from happening to Chet. I had been nervous all week; the worst moment of my life was at an ultrasound in the 3rd trimester. I…
Movement
As with everything related to grief or pregnancy after loss, my emotions aren’t simple. The same goes for feeling Chet move and kick in my belly. Every time I feel him move, a swirl of emotion hits my heart. The most prominent of these emotions is relief. Every kick reminds me that he is alive.…
Tough Days
Today is a tough day. For the most part during this pandemic I’ve had a pretty good attitude. I’ve known we could handle whatever comes our way. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes there is a reason days are hard and sometimes there isn’t. I’ve tried to let myself feel all my emotions without…
Naming Our Son
We found out the sex as soon as we could with a blood test. We already had a name picked out, and we named him as soon as we found out he was a boy. No time to waste. This living person inside me needed a name as soon as possible. We called our families…
Halfway There
I’m 20 weeks pregnant. My mind goes straight to the thought that I have reached the cutoff between a miscarriage and a stillbirth. If I lose this baby, it will be considered a stillbirth. That feels like an accomplishment! That’s certainly not something I thought about in my first pregnancy. At this point I had…
Balancing Trust and Trust
“Just trust God.” Pregnancy after loss…well actually anything after loss can be very scary. Knowing that bad things do happen and they do happen to you is a realization that can cause so much fear. Often the advice is to trust God. But I do trust God more than I ever have! But now my…
It’s a…
Finding out the sex of the baby is by far my favorite moment of this pregnancy so far! We decided to do the cell-free genetic screening this time around. This blood test checks for a few different genetic disorders and also identifies the sex chromosomes. We met with genetic counselors. They explained that all of…
The First Ultrasounds
One thing I was most nervous about getting pregnant again was going back to the ultrasound clinic at the hospital. The waiting room was the last place in our former “before” life. The dark room was where our world came crashing down. The thought of going back there frightened me, but I knew it would…
High Risk
Just a few hours before we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel and I were talking with a wise friend after church. We were talking about losing Ginny and how it can be difficult to hear of others giving birth to living babies. She said that as a community of friends, we agree to…
Pregnant Again!
Ginny is a big sister! That’s right. We are pregnant again! I am 14 weeks along with a baby due in July. We are very happy and hopeful but also scared and feeling every emotion. The doctors told us I needed to wait at least 6 months after Ginny’s stillbirth to be physically ready. Sometimes…
Happy 4th Birthday, Ginny!
Dear Ginny, Happy Birthday, my girl! I love you more than ever, and I miss you more than ever! I think about you all the time. It’s fun to think about what you might be into as you turn 4 years old! Would you like pink and purple and glitter? Would you like animals? Music?…
4 Years Ago: The Day of No Heartbeat
“As a pregnant woman about to give birth writhes and cries out in pain, so were we in your presence, Lord. We were with child, we writhed in labor, but we gave birth to wind. We have not brought salvation to the earth, and the people of the world have not come to life. But…
Condolences: What to say to a grieving friend
In the days immediately following Ginny’s death and birth, our lives stopped. That time was full of grief and emptiness and churning hearts and not much else. I couldn’t fathom how the world was continuing to turn and how the explosion that was our lives really only impacted our sole townhome. Everyone else was going…
Giving Birth to Death
The first thing I said when Chet was born and placed on my chest was “He’s ALIVE!” I now know what it feels like to give birth to life. It feels miraculous! I’ve heard people say that during childbirth the veil between heaven and earth feels paper-thin. I have to agree. That’s true whether you…
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